Take this awkward but handy analogy. First there’s the sales guy. He has indexed and categorized every person he’s ever met in his shiny new iPhone and cross-checked for sales goals and compatibility issues in his handy Franklin planner.

Compare him with the guy who wanders in off the street with only a vague idea what he’s looking to accomplish, the back seat of his car littered with the business cards of a random smattering of people he’s met in the last two years.

Who is likely to be more successful?

Most of us believe that organizing helps when it comes to accomplishing our work goals, but when it comes to romance, lots of us are far more inclined to go with the flow.

Can organizing your personal life really help you be more efficient when it comes to finding love?

Liz Keim, a consultant for the American Society for Quality, teaches a seminar called Zero-Defect Dating. She says, “There’s something called the 80/20 principle that applies whether you’re analyzing company sales or your approach to finding a good relationship.

“You’ll find that it’s usually 20 per cent of your efforts that produces 80 per cent of the total result. This means 80 per cent of what you do may not count for much. The benefit to using a systematic approach to dating is that it helps you prioritize, eliminate time-wasting, and identify that 20 per cent that you should be spending time on.

“For example, if you never meet quality people by going to a bar, stop going to bars. If you like to run, start signing up for fun runs where you are more likely to meet someone with the same interests.”

BJ Gallager, sociologist and author of Yes Lives in the Land of No says, “If you are serious about finding a great mate, you need to approach your search the same way you would approach any other major project. Plan, prepare, organize, measure your progress, reevaluate and adjust your strategy if you need to.”

Gallager offers these tips for organizing your love life:

Setting goals: Make a list of the characteristics you’re looking for in a mate. Rank-order them, from “must have” to “would be nice” to “deal-breaker.”

Action plan: Make it a point to flirt at least once a day. Present yourself at a social gathering at least once a week (go alone, dress sexy, and send out signals that you’re available). Sign up for an online dating service. Let your friends know that you’re interested in meeting potential dates. Go out on dates with anyone who asks you (unless he’s wearing an orange jumpsuit with a number.) It’s practice. Just like you should practice with job interviews when you’re looking for a new job, you want to do the same with dating. You need practice. Then when someone really interesting comes along, your dating skills will be good and you won’t make dumb mistakes.

Organize: Make a folder for each person you date. Make notes on what you like and don’t like about that person. Keep track of details like former marriages, number of kids, occupation, interests, etc.

Measure your progress: How many dates have you gone out on this month? Are you keeping your options open and dating several people? If you’re dating one person, is the relationship progressing in the direction you like? If not, set a deadline by which time you want to move to the next level. Be prepared to walk away if the person you’re dating is commitment-phobic. Don’t waste your precious time on a dead-end relationship.

Adjust your strategy: If your dating strategy isn’t working, try something new. Go to new places. Change the way your dress. Join a gym. Get a makeover. Get new photos taken. Rewrite your on-line profile. Ask others for help in adjusting your strategy.

Take a dating vacation. Everyone needs a vacation from work every so often — taking a break from dating is no different.

According to Dr. Pamela Dodd, organizational psychologist and co-author of The 25 Best Time Management Tools & Techniques (http://www.best-of-time-management.com) there are a number of tools that can help you organize your search: Planners can help you “schedule your dating tasks (and dates, of course,) and then fill in the other less important things in your life. Choosing what you’re NOT going to do is equally important.” Dodd advises. “Consider dating a secondary ‘job’ until you find what you want.”

Other helpful tools? Card scanners can help you keep track of your contact information by importing it right into your phone or mail program, and the Neat Receipts Scanaziler ($159, http://www.neatreceipts.com) even has a cool feature that allows you to scan in a photo to complete your dating dossier.

And Franklin Covey (http://www.franklincovey.com) has a new line of planners called Her P.O.V., specifically for women — not only to help you set goals and get organized, but to keep you inspired as well. (And who hasn’t needed a little inspiration after a particularly disastrous date?)

The benefit to organizing your personal life like your work life, according to Dodd, is that “you get the highest return on your invested time and there’s a higher probability of accomplishing what you’re after.” The drawback, of course, is that you suck all of the fun out of dating, and “don’t leave any space for serendipity.”

Lisa Steadman, author of It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown says, “If you want to organize your dating life and would find that useful, go for it. You could go so far as to create a spreadsheet of the potential candidates you meet in person and online, keeping track of important information about each candidate like future goals, family plans, shared values as they are revealed.”

Gallager says, “Remember, what you get out of dating depends largely on what you’re willing to put into it — just like anything else in life. So if you’re not willing to invest time, energy, attention, and money in finding a partner, then don’t complain that you’re not getting any results.”

Gallager adds, “If you’re not serious about finding a mate — if you’re dating just for fun and games — then you don’t need to organize at all. A casual approach to dating is just fine. ‘Catch as catch can’ is your dating mode.”

According to Steadman, “Regardless of how you organize your dating life, it’s important to always keep your eye on the prize — relationship happiness. Don’t settle for less than you want or deserve, and don’t throw in the towel when things don’t go your way. Take a break and then get back in the game.”

It achieved infamy on a late, great Seinfeld episode when Jerry tried unsuccessfully to talk dirty with his girlfriend, asking her if she was wearing the “panties that your mother laid out for you.”

In an effort to overcome that kind of awkwardness, here are some tips on how to talk the talk. Apprehensive? Well don’t worry — erotic talk is really nothing to fear. It’s a very healthy way of sharing an erotic experience. As Dr. Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy says, it’s just another form of sexual communication.

“Today I can ask for exactly what I want sexually, and learn my partner’s preferences, via direct questioning and fantasy talk. Communicating this way will maintain — even heighten — our level of arousal.”

Overcoming Oral Bashfulness
If the very thought of erotic talk makes you want to take a lifelong vow of silence, there are a few baby steps you can take. Dr. Queen suggests working on your shyness by talking out loud to yourself while you’re masturbating. Don’t worry if you can’t muster up a coherent sentence — just making sounds is a good start. As Dr. Queen says, “If you think erotic words or phrases while you coo and gasp, you will find that as you get more turned on, the words will superimpose themselves onto the sounds.”

Just Express Yourself
It’s important not to blow erotic talk out of proportion. You don’t have to prepare notes or talking points on cue cards. At its core, you just have to express yourself. Giving and receiving feedback during sex is the best starting point to engaging in erotic talk. Saying that you really like something that your lover is doing counts as erotic talk, so repeat after me: “I love it when you do that.”

Move from general phrases like the one above to more specific phrases like, “I get so hot when you lick my nipples…” or whatever it is you like having licked.

Let’s Play ‘Optometrist’
Asking your partner questions while you’re having sex is another effective erotic talk technique. Just like when you’re having your eyes examined by the optometrist, ask your partner if (s)he likes it better “like this” or “like this.” When they tell you which method they prefer, ask them why. Bingo! You’re engaged in an erotic conversation.

As you continue, keep communicating. Find out what you can do to make your partner happier by asking, “What can I do to make you come?” My optometrist has never actually asked me that question, but I always wish she would…

Vocalizing how you’re feeling, how you want to feel, and what you want to do is the very essence of erotic talk. Once you’re comfortable with that, you can branch out into more fantasy-filled conversations where you don’t necessarily have to be talking about what’s actually taking place in the bedroom. When you use words to express whatever your fantasies are, you can place yourself in absolutely any erotic situation you want.

Phone It In
When you can’t, for whatever reason, be in the same room as your partner, put your erotic talk to good use, let your fingers do the walking, and engage in the some phone sex. It’s the safest sex you’ll ever have and as Bonnie Gabriel writes in her book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, “A telephone tryst can serve as a vehicle to keep your romantic feelings alive, to enhance intimacy, to build erotic anticipation, and to fuel your sexual fantasies.”

Gabriel suggests a number of ways to phone it in, like having an erotic conversation every night before bed, setting up the phone call with an anticipatory playful email during the day, and including erotic details that are “specific to your partner and not just elements of sex in general.” (Best to use your Hotmail account rather than the office email system for this one — Ed)

When it comes time for your orgasm (eargasm?), Gabriel says “If you find yourself becoming too aroused to continue talking, express your growing excitement through your breathing, sighing, and other passionate sounds. Remember, your voice is the only line of connection with your lover here, and you want to keep that line flowing with sexual energy.”

And when you’re done, say a little prayer for Alexander Graham Bell. If he only knew what he started…

Hooking up with a stranger leads to hot, no-holds-barred, button-popping, get-out-the-rug-burn-ointment sex…

…Clothes-tearing, furniture-busting, sweaty, walking-funny-the-next-day sex. Sex with a stranger is supposedly waaaay hotter than sex with a long-term partner. You know, sex with a long-term partner: boring, repetitive, now he’s going to do that thing with his tongue again because I said I liked it that one time sex.

This is why the theme is so often paired with the cheating theme. Perhaps the most famous movie example is the ecstatic shagging between Dan (Michael Douglas) and crazy Alex (Glenn Close) in Adrian Lyne’s Fatal Attraction. (Lyne, who also directed Indecent Proposal and Unfaithful, is clearly a student-slash-fan of cheating). That Alex woman could boil a mean rabbit and she was a great lay. What’s not to love?

Cheating isn’t an absolutely necessary part of the equation, though. Stranger-banging is still regarded as wilder than committed-relationship-banging regardless of whether you’re actually in a relationship or not. It’s why we often have the best sex of our lives during the first three months of any relationship, when everything is new and exciting. One way to keep the novelty alive is to do it with new people.

A recent study released by the UK’s Dating Direct found that more than one in three single women confessed to meeting someone for no-strings-attached sex — which is sort of a broader definition of what we mean here.

After all, once you have sex with someone more than once, they’re not technically a “stranger” anymore but can still be wild and new. The line lies somewhere between “That was great. What’s your name anyway?” and “Get your cold feet off my side of the bed. Thanks. G’night.”

Those who don’t quite have the guts to do it can read about it. It’s a subject we have found enticing since Lady Chatterley got down with the gardener. Heck, adultery gets name-checked in the Old Testament. French journalist Catherine Millet caused a scandal with her 2001 memoir, La Vie Sexuelle de Catherine M., an account of her doing it with pretty much everything that moved over the course of 30 years.

More recently, UK memoirist Suzanne Portnoy made a name for herself chronicling her sexual awakening after ending a 10-year marriage in her book The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker. Her newest book, The Not So Invisible Woman, reveals more of Portnoy’s exploits and encounters with “a different man each time, sometimes multiple men.”The entertainment publicist and single mother of two has said that time is one issue. With a career and kids, how is one supposed to cultivate a new relationship? She also says, “I love that first kiss, first touch and first sexual experience with a new partner. I dress up, my body feels heightened and it turns me on. You just don’t get that in a long term relationship.”And that’s the thing, isn’t it? We feel that for something to be “exciting” it has to be “the first” which isn’t necessarily true. Skydivers probably get excited every time they jump. Also, there’s this idea that there are no “firsts” with a long-term partner.Recently I was reading an article in which the author discussed the one-night stand in such a manner, extolling it as a situation in which you can really let go and get wild, because you don’t have to worry about seeing this person again. And I thought, “Yes, that is a pervasive view… but why?”

“When people are in relationships,” says Cory Silverberg, a certified sex educator and founding member of the Toronto-based, co-operatively owned sex shop Come As You Are, “and they say they want the sex to be better or hotter, usually what they mean is they want it to be the way it used to be. One of the hottest things about sex is the unknown, the mystery. It’s either the mystery of what someone is going to be like in bed or, once you’ve had sex with someone, the mystery of what’s going to happen next.”

Silverberg muses that part of the problem is how easy it is to habituate our sexual practices and fall into patterns. “So, people think ‘I would never have anal sex with my partner but maybe if I had sex with a sex trade worker and I was paying I’d want to try that.’ We habituate our behaviors and set boundaries and then treat them as though they aren’t negotiable. And we do it in a way that is unspoken. People don’t talk about this stuff a lot. It’s just established in the beginning of the relationship.”

But people change over time and if you’re going to spend years with the same person you’re going to want different things. You don’t watch the same television shows over and over again for 40 years. You might not have the same taste in books now that you had 10 years ago. You don’t still wear the same ridiculous platform shoes you wore in 1998.So why should we be expected to do the same things in bed over and over again, right? But the problem then is you have to ask for what you want and most of us are simply not comfortable doing that. (Might I recommend drinking? Or maybe finger puppets…)Silverberg says, “With our partners we are often much more worried about judgment. If I’m going to have a one-night stand, what do I care what that person thinks of my fantasy about wearing a dog collar or having sex with my ninth grade math teacher? Whereas exposing those fantasies to my partner who I’m thinking about building a life with and whose family I’ve met might feel like a greater risk.”Interesting. After all, one might think that if you’re going to talk to anyone about your sex life it should be your partner, the person you supposedly share the most with in this area and the one person who would, hopefully, not judge you. It’s the person who has seen you in all sorts of states of vulnerability.

Well one might think that but one would probably be wrong. Silverberg says, “We can assume that most of us feel some shame about our sexual desires. Exposing something that I feel shame about to someone I’ve opened my heart to is a big deal.

“If I expose my fantasies about being dominated and wearing a dress to a total stranger, the worst that can happen is they can say no. But for a partner to say no can feel like a bigger rejection.

“They might just be rejecting the idea of having sex with me while I’m wearing a dress but I can feel that as a rejection of me as a whole person. So, there’s a greater emotional risk and a greater practical risk. So, we don’t do it. Instead when we look for newness, we go out and we cheat.”

We cheat because we’re chickenshits, which makes perfect sense.

“We have this incredibly untapped well of eroticism inside of ourselves,” Silverberg continues. “We have all sorts of fantasies and desires we don’t expose to anyone. And that’s really what we should be doing. But we go the safe route because we’re scared.”

And so we cheat. It’s AMAZING how many people cheat.

One way to avoid this is to have some sort of discourse. If you’re going to be in a monogamous relationship for a long time you’re going to have to check in once in a while.

“Hey, is that thing I do with my tongue still working for you?”

“Actually, I’m glad you asked. Not really. And I was wondering if you’d mind putting on these boxing trunks and this mouth guard…”

See how easy that was?

If you’re NOT in a relationship, there’s no real reason you can’t keep having (SAFER!) sex with random people. But you might eventually find yourself wanting more. After all, sex isn’t the only relationship first. There’s the first time you kick his sorry ass at Trivial Pursuit, the first time you laugh until you pee (just me?), your first vacation, first place together, first kid… life is full of firsts.

You might find that, after a while, random sex gets old, even if it’s always with someone new.

“I find first dates horrible,” says Bob, a fortysomething Seattle native. “I was married for 15 years and now I’m single I find talking to the opposite sex nerve-wracking. I get sweaty palms, the whole deal.”

Luckily for the likes of Bob, you can learn to improve your oral and aural appeal. Confidence expert Leil Lowndes, author of many books including How to Talk to Anyone, Goodbye to Shy and How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, shares her tips for saying the right things and coming across great on a first date.

Drop the Lines
Unfortunately, there is no sure-fire winning opening line that will guarantee that you charm the pants off your date the second you open your mouth. Making a good impression is a tad more complicated than that and is dependent on the situation as well as the person you are talking to, says Lowndes. That said, there are certain types of ice-breaking questions that work very well.

Lowndes’ favorite question to ask a new person is, “What is your average day like?” This is an interesting, thought-provoking question that shows you are interested and is fun to answer, because most people like talking about themselves. Another good one, if the person you are meeting is from somewhere else originally is, “What brought you to the city?” Answers to both of these questions should deliver enough information to fuel further conversation.

Getting gender-specific, Lowndes suggests that men ask their dates questions about themselves and how they feel about things. “Ask why questions, not what questions. Women however should never ask their dates anything about feelings, as this doesn’t work well on guys,” she says.

Take Your Shy and Shove It
“The first thing you need to realize when you are nervous about talking to your date is that they are probably just as shy as you are,” says Lowndes, “The trick is to think confidently, because if your thinking is that you are shy then your body just folds up.” You need to keep good posture, display open body language (no arms folded etc.) lean in towards your date, and make sure you look your date in the eyes (as shy people often have difficulty making eye contact.) These things may sound obvious, but they are things that too many of us forget when dating and may often require practice until they happen naturally.

Lowndes advises that guys nod while their date is talking to them, as it shows that they are listening and absorbing what is being said (this takes effort as men usually only nod when they agree with something, while women nod more naturally in conversation to show that they are paying attention.) For women, Lowndes advises touching their date, though very gently. “A wonderful trick is to touch the man’s shoulder or pick an imaginary piece of lint off their shirt,” says Lowndes. “This creates more of a connection.”

Self-Examination
If you are worried that you come across as not very interesting, take some time to figure out why. “Energy level has a lot to do with whether or not people find us interesting to talk to,” says Lowndes. “If you inject energy into your voice, anything you talk about will come across as interesting, but using one flat tone will make you sound dull. Try taping yourself in conversation then playing it back to find out how other people hear you.” Practice speaking more energetically and you’ll automatically become more interesting.

The same goes with gestures, as these really add to conversation. While you don’t want to be practicing semaphore or throwing gang signs as you try to win your date over, making bigger gestures will add sparkle to your conversation. Lowndes advises watching people at parties who do this well, then trying to incorporate their gesture styling in to your own interactions.

Enlist your friends to help you enrich your conversational style. Hold a group critique of where you think you could all improve, then remind each other when you slip up and do things you shouldn’t, such as slouch or use sloppy slang. You’ll want to point these things out discretely though or else you risk bruising egos.

Become More Interesting
Lowndes says that it doesn’t take much to become more interesting to the opposite sex. This may involve learning about things you are not necessarily yourself — or don’t yet know that you are interested in. She advises that guys pick up Psychology Today magazine to read up on touchy-feely subjects that will make good conversation starters (reading fluffy women’s magazines won’t do this!) and women should try to learn about sports or other typically male things. “Any woman that can talk about sports is in like Flynn,” Lowndes says.

(Before you start sending letters we KNOW these are generalizations, OK? They’re also quite often truths. Now we’re gonna go talk about our feelings and maybe eat a cheese sandwich — EDs)

Don’t Even Go There
There are definite conversation no-go zones if you are trying to connect with someone for the first time. “Just don’t talk to guys about their feelings,” says Lowndes, “and guys should avoid talking about other dates or making any kind of sexual innuendoes or jokes. Men often say things about their sexual preferences on a first date and most women find that really off-putting.”

But he could have just as easily applied his quote to the world of dating. It’s a jungle out there, where the terror of rejection can be a traumatic intimidation factor when meeting someone new, while telegraphing that insecurity to your date could easily jeopardize your chances for a second meeting.

While confidence isn’t an exclusive component to staging a successful date, it can be an important one, argues Chicago-based Patti Feinstein, self-described as America’s Dating Coach who has counseled hundreds of clients and appeared on ABC, CBS and MSNBC.

“Confidence equals happiness, and happiness equals success,” she says. “Not everybody has a lot of confidence in dating,” she states. “Dating is a world of rejection, so it’s very hard to get the confidence. It’s more important to get the connection.

“But confidence is important, and you’re not going to get it unless you try.”

In her experience, Feinstein has found the fairer sex to be the most confident. “I would say women tend to be more confident than men,” she confirms. “I have a ton of male clients, and they always have confidence issues.

“But I can take a guy who has no confidence, throw him into an activity, put him online, and he’ll find love.”

Which brings us to five surefire ways Feinstein recommends for boosting your ego:

Immerse Yourself in Something Passionate

“Throw yourself into something that you can get absolutely lost in,” says Feinstein. “I’m not talking about books. I’m talking about activity, because then you’re not thinking about it.”

Being consumed with something that you love tends to shift your focus away from almighty you. That leaves less time to think about your own insecurities.

“When you’re shining and doing something that makes you happy, that makes you approachable,” she counsels.

Feinstein recalls one client who had always wanted to purchase a motorcycle but had denied himself the pleasure.

“I encouraged him to do it, and once he did, all of a sudden he started dating,” she says. “I do think that happiness contributes to confidence.”

Keep the Conversation Focused On Your Date

“Everybody’s favorite subject is themselves, so you want to talk about the other person,” says Feinstein. “It shows that you’re genuinely interested. It also shows that you have a certain amount of confidence because you don’t need to share all of your stuff on the first date. You know you have something to offer.”

She says says that when it comes to the art of conversation, there are notable differences between men and women.

“Men don’t talk — they’re visual. So for men, I would advise talk, ask open-ended questions and get it out there. Guys are so compartmentalized that it’s very difficult to make conversation with them.

“Women have a tendency to talk too much, and that would show a lack of confidence. They over-analyze everything under the sun.”

Tying in suggestion No. 1 — a passionate interest — also makes you a more engaging conversationalist for your potential date. Just don’t be overconfident. “You don’t want to do that, because it’s a turn-off,” notes Feinstein.

Play Host

Whether you’re at a club, at a social gathering or even one-on-one, Feinstein recommends that you try putting everyone around you at ease.

“When you’re out there and you’re dating, forget about the rejection,” says Feinstein. “Pretend that you’re hosting a party wherever you are, and that it’s your job to make everybody comfortable, and to learn everybody’s name.

“This way, you get to meet everybody that’s there and you don’t have that pressure on you. Take the dating part out of the equation and make it easy for yourself.”

Visualize Your Date as A Pet

Come again?

“For guys that are really intimidated by women — and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but just to help with the confidence thing — pretend the woman is a dog and you need to come back to me and tell me what kind of dog she is,” says Feinstein. “That’s your exercise, so you’re not intimidated by her.”

If you’re a guy, Feinstein says this controversial exercise will help you relax and put the date in perspective.

“Women will kill me for saying that, but it does take away some of the nerves. Men will go out and they’ll tell me, ‘She was like a poodle’ (high-maintenance) or ‘She was like a Labrador’ — she wants to do this and that and this.

“They’re judging the date better, instead of thinking, ‘I hope she’s going to like me.’”

Women can also employ this device, and if the Fido visualization doesn’t do the trick, Feinstein suggests entertaining another substitution that is equally soothing.

“I turn it into something not as threatening, as a person who isn’t going to reject them,” she explains. “You have to change your thinking.”

Always Go For the Kiss

Providing, of course, the evening wasn’t a disaster and that your date isn’t sending signals indicating that such action would be unwelcome. If the date went well, the vibe seems right and you seem to be getting the non-verbal green light, bear this in mind:

Guys

“Flirting is like auditioning,” says Feinstein. “You know you’re going to lose, so you may as well go all out anyway and have fun with it.

“It’s also expectation and guts — women like guts. So you always go in for the kiss, because that shows confidence: ‘I don’t care if you like me or not, I’m still kissing you!’

“You look wimpy if you don’t.”

Gals

“Women have to understand that men have to be the hunters,” says Feinstein. “So let them make their moves. They need it for their egos.”

As piercing in general has become more mainstream, so has the piercing of people’s naughty bits.

Today there are a myriad of ways you can pierce either your nipples or genitals in order to create a sexier aesthetic and increase the amount of sensation you receive in your most erogenous zones (and the sensations you give to others).

It used to be that erotic piercings were only popular with punks and the S&M community but Daryl Nicholson, a piercer at New Tribe Tattoo and Piercing in Toronto says that nowadays, the seemingly most unlikely people come to get their genitals and nipples pierced.

“Its all ages, all types, there is a really diverse group of people that want these piercings,” he says.

Out of the Ordinary
When Alicia Green* first heard another woman discussing her clitoral hood piercing she was initially horrified at the idea. “She kept telling me how fabulous it was and I just couldn’t believe it,” says Green. “But my mind started wandering and I asked her a million questions; four months later my curiosity overpowered my fear of needles and I went to get it done.”

Getting her clitoral hood pierced “Hurt like a son of a bitch for a few minutes” but healed in three weeks and has given Green tons of pleasure both physically and mentally. The majority of genital piercings do heal very quickly. A clitoral hood piercing can be completely healed in six weeks. This is thanks to the increased blood flow in one’s nether regions. Most piercings anywhere on the body will heal within 2-3 months, though sometimes the process can take up to a year if there are factors such as ill health or other problems.

New Sensations
Knowing that she has a secret hidden in her undies is pretty thrilling for Green. “I am one of those people one would look at and never consider that I have hardware between my legs,” she says.

Piercer Nicholson says that although plenty of 18-year-olds do come to get erotic piercings, it’s often the types you’d never expect, such as the 40-year-old-men in business suits who come to get both nipples pierced or older women looking to add a little zing to their marriages.

Having her naughty piercing means that Green finds unexpected pleasure in the most mundane things, such as riding a bike or climbing stairs (especially if the bead on her clit ring is in the right place). “Not warning a partner prior to that first naked exploration can be pretty amusing,” she says. “I love that look of shock when they find the X that marks the spot.”

Temporary Pleasures
It isn’t just the permanent piercings that are growing in popularity. So-called ‘play piercings’ are temporary piercings often placed in patterns or designs. A common example is a “corset piercing,” for which multiple pairs of rings are inserted on either side of the spine, then laced up with ribbon to form a corset. These are something that Nicholson is being asked to do more of in the past year.

There are degrees of play piercing and some people go deeper than others. While some people engage for aesthetic reasons, others just enjoy the sensation of being pierced. Google it and you’ll find images involving hypodermic needles. The ones we’re talking about are done using fine needles to avoid tissue damage and create minimal scarring. The piercings are usually taken out (by the piercer) the next day. Nicholson says that these are most commonly requested around fetish nights and for models doing erotic photo shoots.

Fun for DIY Enthusiasts
Many people also enjoy doing play piercings as part of kinky sex, and some even go as far as to do their own permanent piercings in the bedroom, although experts wouldn’t advise that anyone pierce something at home without expert supervision. Despite the fact it is not advised, the materials needed to do piercings and detailed instruction on how to perform them are readily available online.

Sasha Vier had her nipples pierced by her boyfriend and says it was an incredibly hot experience. “He talked with a professional piercer about how to do it and bought everything that they’d use to do it in a piercing shop. All the equipment was sterile and my man did a fantastic job,” she says, “then we had hot sex while the endorphins were still charging around my body. Mmm.”

However or whatever you get pierced, you need to take really good care of the wound as it can easily become infected while healing, which can cause scarring or disfigurement. Making use of that piercing too soon will delay healing and increase the length of time needed before you can truly get enjoyment form it.

And, because your piercing is an open wound, you are more at risk of transmitting or receiving sexually transmitted infections. Remember kids, safety first!

* Names changed for privacy

So show up prepared — mentally and physically. Think of this groundwork as some pre-exercise stretching. It keeps you at the top of your game and stops you from pulling anything if the action gets heated.

Go In The Know
First dates, especially blind dates, require a host of practical preparations. Get to know a bit about your date through Internet research. Vivien W. from Oakland admits, “I verify my date’s info through excessive Googling, particularly if it is a blind date. I can find anyone online, either through their work, Facebook account, sporting events, charitable stuff, etc. I want to make sure that the guy is respectable and associated with a real place of work.”

Not only will this enable you to feel at ease about your date’s outlook on life, but you’ll also have some conversation-starters having peeked through their public past and peccadilloes.

Pump It Up
Doing something active before hooking up with someone new has many benefits, which may explain its popularity with singles. Dancing around the bedroom to the Priscilla, Queen of the Desert soundtrack has worked for me for years, and another — perhaps more agile — friend does cartwheels down her hall to connect with her quirky inner child.

Carl M. from Toronto confesses, “I like to get some exercise before a date because it wakes me up, gets me energized and feeling happy through endorphin release.” The message here is to do whatever you need to do to feel fun and full of life, as this attitude will give you a glow and solidify your sense of confidence.

Come to Rest
If you suffer from a case of the jitters, best to enjoy a few minutes alone before you go out and share yourself with someone else. You only get to make a first impression once, so it’s important to deal with or work through any pent-up nervous energy. Meditating, drinking tea, reading fiction and massaging your hands or feet are all good ways to deal with that case of nerves.

And speaking of massaging, masturbating before meeting other singles provides the benefits of that calmer sutra of a great O. The research backs up this practice. It is well documented that masturbation releases endorphins into the bloodstream (causing a sense of well-being and acting as a natural pain reliever) and causes the body to produce oxytocin (akin to valium), which stimulates relaxation and calms nerves.

Safety First
Going on a date with someone new can be thrilling and invigorating. But it’s important to keep that rush in perspective and to always be alert and prepared. Don’t assume that Mr. New Guy will be Mr. Nice Guy just because your coworker knows him from the gym. So put your safety first, and tell a friend where you’re going and with whom. Promise to call your pal the minute you get home.

Supply Your Demand
Rubber, prophylactic, sheath, blob, scumbag, Frenchie, flunky, glove, Johnny, raincoat, safe, condom. Whatever you call it, pack one in your pants or purse before embarking on your rendezvous. You just never know what you’ll feel like doing.

It’s a Plan
Nothing worse than that first in-person encounter that gets off to an awkward start with, “So, what do you want to do?” Followed by, of course, “I don’t know. What do YOU want to do?” The solution, says Colleen K. from Seattle, is a few minutes of prep: “I always check concert, event and movie listings in case there’s nothing to say and you need something to do.” It doesn’t have to be set in stone (spontaneity is much more fun and doesn’t run the risk of you looking too eager or of feeling disappointed because things didn’t go as you’d expected), but it’s good to have an idea or two in waiting.

Prime Time
Looking your best ensures you feel your best. Make sure to set aside enough time before your date to work through your body prep routine — trim, shave, pluck, wax, exfoliate, moisturize… whatever it takes so that you feel sexy. My friend Lina G. from Toronto once gave me the following great advice: “Take one close-up look and one from-afar look in the mirror before stepping outside.” In the hours leading up to your outing, remember to eat foods that you know agree with your tummy and don’t cause uncomfortable bloating and gas.

No one likes a tooter.

The Booty Call lives in a lovely grey area somewhere between the one-night-stand and the relationship and serves to supply consenting adults with a high-energy sexual release without the baggage and time involved in dating.

You probably won’t find the term Booty Call in the dictionary… yet. But it seems like the phrase has slowly crept into our common vernacular, so much so that there are already rules (both written and unwritten) governing how to behave.

After conducting some strenuous research on the subject, I have gone through my field-notes in an attempt to supply you with nine simple rules about the Booty Call.

1. Brunch is the Enemy of the Booty Call
This may seem a little harsh but the one and only purpose of the Booty Call is to get off. Once you’re done, get up, get dressed and go home. If you’re having a Booty Call because you don’t want to sleep alone, you’re in dangerous territory and emotional involvement is lurking somewhere around the corner. If you end up sleeping over, there’s only one place for things to go and that’s brunch. Brunch is the enemy of the Booty Call. You didn’t make the call because you wanted to chat over a cup of coffee. Your friends can supply you with that.

2. No Timetables
So… you’ve called your Booty Call Cohort (BCC) every Saturday night for the past two months? Bad move! The key to successful Booty Calling is to keep things uncomplicated, relaxed and elastic. If you make the call on a schedule, things are going to get very stale very fast. And if you wanted stale sex, you would just go ahead and get married (he kids, he kids! — Ed.)

3. No Meeting in Public
Again, this may seem a little harsh, but this rule is definitely a good one to follow. Remember this: meeting your BCC in public is called “a date.” You and your BCC should only live in an erotic fantasy world that doesn’t exist outside of the bedroom.

4. Look Good
Yes, the sex is almost guaranteed. No, it’s not a date. But you’re still going to have to make an effort to look and smell good. Make sure your Booty Calls get accepted by staying on top of your outward appearance. After all, letting things slide with the way you present yourself is for those people in long-term relationships (what a comedian…– Ed).

5. Expect Nothing
The Booty Call should only be made (and accepted) by those who want to have sex at that moment. If your BCC stops calling you or stops accepting your calls, don’t take it personally. Remember, it was never a personal relationship to begin with. It was purely sexual and had no strings attached.

6. Be Open & Honest
I know this sounds dangerously like “relationship talk” but trust me, as long as you and your BCC know where things stand right off the top, and then you won’t have to deal with any real relationship talks later on. Just be tactful and make sure that you’re both on the same page. Once you see you’re both on the same page, feel free to have sex on it.

7. Be Safe
It’s the 21st century: should I really have to go into this? Just remember to protect yourself so you can enjoy Booty Calls well into your golden years.

8. Please Please Me, Please Please You
Be a generous lover. It doesn’t cost you a thing. As much as you may just want to get off, remember there is someone else involved here. If all you’re thinking about is yourself, then yes you may have just screwed your BCC, but you’ve also probably just screwed your chances at another Booty Call down the line.

9. Timing
No calls before 9:30 pm. No calls after 1:30 am. The Booty Call is definitely not for everyone. You have to be able to draw a distinction between the emotional and the sexual. But if you do it right, the good times are guaranteed. Just remember: don’t call collect.

The last thing you want to do is hurt their feelings. But in the end you have to think of yourself – and you want out. From picking the right moment to the language you use, from choosing your breakup location to coping with the dumpee’s emotions in the days that follow, these tips will help you hold ‘em then fold ‘em.

Preparation Rage
Cutting someone out of your life isn’t a decision you’ve made lightly, so take the time to plan the way you deliver the news. The more you put into the preparation, the less likely they are to become irrational. That said, some dumpees — even though they know a breakup is the right thing to do — will come to tears anyway. Think through what questions your soon-to-be ex-flame might have and plan appropriate answers.

Know Who’s On First
Your best pal may have been the first to know you felt something special for your most recent heartthrob, but that doesn’t mean they get first dibs on the news of the decision to break up. Be respectful of the person you’re about to say goodbye to and tell them before anyone else.

Face-to-face Face Value
Yeah, I know, it’s easier to deliver sad news over the phone, email or through text message. But you know deep down the right thing to do is endure those awkward, uncomfortable breakup moments in person. If you don’t extend this courtesy to your future-ex, there’s no chance in hell you’ll ever be friends with them or any of their hot pals. And if that’s not motivation enough, consider it a deposit into your Bank of Karma, saving yourself from being surprisingly dumped on Facebook — and in front of all your friends to boot.

Timing Is Everything
From orgasms to surprise birthday parties to stand-up comedians to a well-cooked meal, timing is everything. Apply this life theme to your breakup plan too. Don’t drop the bomb right after having sex or before a momentous event. Avoid special occasions — holidays, anniversaries, birthdays — at all costs. You may be ruining their day, but you don’t have to ruin that same day of the year, every year, for all eternity. If your dumpee is a social butterfly, consider a Friday dump so they can distract themselves with friends over the weekend. Or if your soon-to-be ex is a bit of a workhorse, make a plan for Monday so they can keep themselves busy at the office while adjusting to their new single status.

Location Location Location
Equally important is the spot you choose to deliver the news. A neutral venue with no sentimental value to either of you makes an ideal location. While there is some benefit to breaking up with someone in a very public place (like an intimate restaurant) in the hopes that fear of embarrassment would deter them from overreacting, it’s a bit of a cop-out. The place you choose should allow some opportunity for walking or finding more quiet spaces if needed, such as a park or shopping mall during non-peak hours.

Planned and Delivered
To avoid mixed messages, get your thoughts and decision across clearly, honestly and simply. It’s likely they too have felt the relationship disintegrating. By letting them know about the sadness you feel, you become an ally in sorrow rather than a tyrant of bad news. Without being accusatory (it’s you, not me), let them know what you’re feeling (it’s me, not you) and that you’ve decided it’s best to part ways. There is nothing wrong with having different expectations of a relationship or partner, just as there is nothing unnatural about falling out of love. Avoid lying to save hurt feelings. Instead choose your honest words carefully. Being considerate of their feelings can only be beneficial to you down the road — especially if this person is someone you’ll see again through friends or in work environments.

Let the Defense Take the Floor
Your dumpee may react in a myriad of ways — from laughter to tears to straight-faced seriousness to disbelief. Give them time to let the news sink in, and then let them talk about how they feel (if they want). Even if they guessed it was coming and know that it’s the right thing to do, some may try to persuade you to change your mind simply because they’d prefer to withstand an OK relationship than be without one altogether. Reply that you have heard their words but that you have made up your mind. If you let on that you’re wishy-washy on the issue, you’ll never move on. If possible, let them decide when to end the conversation.

The Aftershock
Your ex may try to convince you to get back together in the days that follow. And if there’s stuff to collect from each other’s houses or occasions where you’re seeing each other after the breakup, it’s sometimes easy to fall back into old patterns and start fooling around again. Although we’ve all heard that breakup sex can be mind-blowing, the repercussions far outweigh the short-term benefits of a quickie. Hard as it is, avoid getting intimate with your ex. Who wants to go through the motions of breaking up with someone a second time?

The generously upholstered Kim Kardashian? Cute ‘n’ saucy Katy Perry?

Sandra, single and 36, placed a picture of Chris Martin on hers. Not because she wanted a copy of the new Coldplay album, but because, she says, she has “a little crush” the Britpop singer.

Now is the perfect time to take a New Age step and envision your ideal year ahead, and the perfect person to share it with. And the best way to do that, according to the power-of-attraction gurus behind The Secret and various bloggers with a lot of time on their hands, is by constructing a vision board.

A vision board is, basically, a physical manifestation of your dreams or a visual and verbal articulation of goals. The principle is simple: by figuring out what you want most in life, and then focusing daily on your goals, you can reprogram your brain. Instead of thinking of, say, a cranberry-pecan muffin first thing in the morning, you’ll look up at your vision board, gaze upon a picture of some magazine model’s rippling abs, and reach for that apple instead.

Martha Beck, appearing on the Oprah show, said she sees two reasons the vision board works. One is something called “selective attention.”

“If you repeat the word, ‘blue, blue, blue,’ and you start looking around the room, all the blue things will start popping out.” The other reason is, uhm, quantum physics.

“We know now, scientifically, that consciousness brings matter into being where there was energy,” said Beck. “So it’s not even necessarily that it draws it toward you. The conclusion is you’re literally creating some of this stuff.”

An O Magazine columnist’s expertise on quantum physics notwithstanding, maybe there is something to this vision-board thing. At least, it doesn’t cost anything to make — although that hasn’t stopped a few people, like The Secret‘s John Assaraf, from trying to make money off the idea (with his Complete Vision Board Kit).

For your dating vision board, start by collecting a stack of magazines, catalogues or any other visual aids that stir your imagination. Don’t limit yourself to what you have lying around the living room, though, or your board, like ours, might be full of nothing but pictures of the female cast members from Battlestar Galactica. You want to stay focused, but not that focused.

Once you have your stack, cut out the pictures that most appeal to you, while keeping in mind the type of person you want to attract. Knowing the gender of your ideal partner is a good start, as is a ballpark age. And if you’re fundamentalist Mormon, before starting the project you might also want to figure out the number of life partners you want.

Then start asking yourself more specific questions. Is she a blonde, brunette or redhead? Is he tall, short, with a full head of hair and a soul patch, or does he have a tattoo of praying hands on his bald skull? Does she have her own business, or does her job involve a pole? Does he front one of the world’s most successful rock bands, or is he currently in a maximum security institution?

Getting more detailed, blogger Sherrie Hay suggests listing the four qualities your perfect mate must have, along with four qualities that would be the icing on the wedding cake. To that end, find pictures of people who embody those attributes highest on your list.

For example, this could mean a picture of a fireman for bravery, Mickey Rourke for muscles and hair extensions, and Larry King for style. Or Sarah Silverman for laughs, Michelle Obama for strength, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck for loony rightwing opinions.

Imagine your life together. Are you living in a deluxe apartment in the city, or a house in the country? Are you partying in a Hells Angels clubhouse or on your way to Burning Man in a motor home? Are you enjoying sun-drenched resorts or snow-packed mountains? Are there children, a surrogate mother? How many cats? Can your mother-in-law find you?

Once you’ve decided on the pictures that best represent your soul mate and your happily-ever-after, arrange the images on a piece of poster-board. When you have them sorted in an aesthetically pleasing manner, start gluing.

Blogger/musician/women’s retreat coordinator Christine Kane suggests putting a picture of your smiling, happy self smack dab in the middle, though this might mean moving Tricia Helfer to the sidelines.

After completion, sit back and admire your handiwork. Congratulations! You’ve just spent an afternoon avoiding housework.

But more than that, you might be on your way to meeting the man or woman of your dreams.

Place your dating vision board somewhere you’ll be reminded of your goals daily, like a workspace. (Though probably not the office, unless you want your co-workers to know about your desire to appear on Dancing with the Stars). Hopefully you’ve chosen pictures that bring you a relaxed, happy feeling rather than those that would stress you out, or make you feel like an underachieving loser.

You should feel, looking at the board, that you’re ready to go to your high school reunion, not like you’ve thrown away your early promise. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to thank the universe, er, Universe, in advance, as though you already have what you desire.

Apparently this will smooth the transition so you’re ready when the publisher of The Secret pulls up in a truck and starts dumping cash onto your lawn.

Yeah, the whole thing sounds a little flakey, even to us (and we believe Anderson Cooper is an emissary from the future). It also sounds almost criminally self-absorbed. After all, it’s easy for us, living in a part of the world where we don’t have to worry about falling bombs or blood-thirsty dictators, to cut and paste pictures of homes in Malibu and a reserved table at the French Laundry.

But, like chicken soup, it probably can’t hurt. And might it not also be used to make us contribute more to society? That is, once we’ve snagged our versions of Chris Martin and Katee Sackhoff.